Refrigerators, et al
What indications do you think of when you wonder whether a couple is going to stay together? Maybe you think if they get a pet together, that’s a sign that they plan to be a longtime couple. Or if they get on the same phone plan – that might be a sign. Sure, those things do indicate a level of commitment, but recently we heard of a study that had a much less fanciful indication than a puppy, and more enduring than phone service.
The study indicated that a good sign of a couple’s plans to stay together long term is when they buy appliances together. The presence of a dishwasher, or refrigerator is a better indication of a couple’s long-term plans than many of the other markers of shared domesticity. I personally think a kitchen stove is the clearest indication.
That stove requires some serious thought. Will it be gas? Electric? Induction? One can ponder the benefits of six burner as opposed to four burner, or two ovens rather than one. After all the decisions that are required, why would you even consider breaking up?
Of course, it’s not a guarantee. People break up even after having kids together and that is a much bigger indication of commitment, but it’s interesting that your fridge is more of a sign of your togetherness than jewelry, a joint lease, or shared Netflix subscription!
Because our work involves talking with engaged couples, we are really interested in the signs that a couple is likely to be able to make the commitment marriage involves. We do try to assess how much they are willing to sacrifice for one another, how much fun they seem to have together, and how much affection they show one another.
We use the example that researcher Scott Stanley suggested. He talks in his book, The Heart of Commitment, about the days when pirate ships roamed the seas. When the captain of a ship wanted to indicate that he was ready to go down with his ship rather than surrender to pirates, he would nail his country’s flag to the mast. Then he couldn’t pull it down and raise a white flag of surrender. That is commitment, Stanley says!
Most of us don’t have to worry about pirates The dangers to commitment in relationships has more to do with boredom, distance, dissatisfaction – that kind of thing. They can often be solved by both partners choosing to work on the issues that are pushing them apart. There are so many tools out there for taking a different look at the things that divide you. John Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is a classic. It’s also a little deceiving. There may be 7 principles, but there are probably 70 exercises in that book!
Sometimes bigger challenges assault the commitment and then bigger efforts need to be taken to repair the rift. We heard of a husband who had alienated his wife to the point where she was not speaking to him. Apologies were not enough. He decided to say every day, “What can I do to make your life better today?”
At first, she would not answer, so he would do something he thought would make her life better. Then she began to ask for things. “Wash the floor in the garage.” “Clean out the basement.” Whatever she asked, he did, until one day she had softened to the point where she asked him, “What can I do to make your life better today?”
But I digress. Washer/dryers. Stacking? Front loading? If you want a life together with someone, get yourselves some appliances!