Faith like a Mustard Seed

“If you have faith like a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain ‘move from here to there’ and it will move…”

Until I took training in Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, I always thought the gospel was talking about the mustard seed that I had in my spice drawer. It was pretty little. It was smaller than a lemon pit, smaller than most of the ingredients that I used in my kitchen - yes, pretty darn small. But it wasn’t so small that I couldn’t imagine mustering up that amount of faith. The question I kept coming back to, though, was if it was really faith or hope.

According to Norman Fried,  director of psycho-social services for the Division of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology at Winthrop University on Long Island, New York,  hope is … “a dynamic process involving the active pursuit of goals, a determination of how to reach these goals, and the willpower to see them to fruition.”

In his article, “What is the Meaning of Hope?” Dr. Fried gives us pointers about separating hope from faith by the stories of Adam’s role in the two creation stories in Genesis. In the first story, he says, Adam displays hope, that through he actions he will achieve what God asked of him – “to fill the earth and subdue it.”

In the second account, where Adam is place in the garden of Eden and asked to cultivate it and keep it, he has to believe that what is asked of him is possible. He has to trust his creator and, sometimes despite the evidence at hand, believe that he is capable of the job he has been tasked with. That requires faith.

SO back to my understanding the meaning of the scripture about the seed, the mountain, the faith.

I look at the little grain that is the mustard seed and think of the problems that surround us; it gives me some conviction. That little bit, I could maybe summon up that much faith.

We are facing ever greater challenges in our world. Good seems to be overpowered by evil, kindness by cruelty. It saps the energy from us. But it seems that faith means that we need to keep true to what we believe is asked of us, like Adam. We have to trust our Creator - not stop working for the good, but underlie it with determination.

You know how it is when you’re out walking, you went further than you meant to go and you just want to stop, but you say, just one more step, and if you do that often enough you get home? That is what faith is. We gather up all our inner resources and take one more step. And that step can be as small as the biblical mustard seed – as small as a grain of pepper.

Hope requires optimism. Faith requires grit. There is no assurance that the work you are doing will produce the results that you are looking for, but you do know that if you give up, the end you’re trying to achieve will definitely not happen.

Be of good faith. Check out where in the scriptures we are exhorted to keep the faith. We only that tiny little speck to produce a large

Refrigerators, et al

What indications do you think of when you wonder whether a couple is going to stay together? Maybe you think if they get a pet together, that’s a sign that they plan to be a longtime couple. Or if they get on the same phone plan – that might be a sign. Sure, those things do indicate a level of commitment, but recently we heard of a study that had a much less fanciful indication than a puppy, and more enduring than phone service.

The study indicated that a good sign of a couple’s plans to stay together long term is when they buy appliances together. The presence of a dishwasher, or refrigerator is a better indication of a couple’s long-term plans than many of the other markers of shared domesticity. I personally think a kitchen stove is the clearest indication.

That stove requires some serious thought. Will it be gas? Electric? Induction? One can ponder the benefits of six burner as opposed to four burner, or two ovens rather than one. After all the decisions that are required, why would you even consider breaking up?

Of course, it’s not a guarantee. People break up even after having kids together and that is a much bigger indication of commitment, but it’s interesting that your fridge is more of a sign of your togetherness than jewelry, a joint lease, or shared Netflix subscription!

Because our work involves talking with engaged couples, we are really interested in the signs that a couple is likely to be able to make the commitment marriage involves. We do try to assess how much they are willing to sacrifice for one another, how much fun they seem to have together, and how much affection they show one another.

We use the example that researcher Scott Stanley suggested. He talks in his book, The Heart of Commitment, about the days when pirate ships roamed the seas. When the captain of a ship wanted to indicate that he was ready to go down with his ship rather than surrender to pirates, he would nail his country’s flag to the mast. Then he couldn’t pull it down and raise a white flag of surrender. That is commitment, Stanley says!

Most of us don’t have to worry about pirates The dangers to commitment in relationships has more to do with boredom, distance, dissatisfaction – that kind of thing. They can often be solved by both partners choosing to work on the issues that are pushing them apart. There are so many tools out there for taking a different look at the things that divide you. John Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is a classic. It’s also a little deceiving. There may be 7 principles, but there are probably 70 exercises in that book!

Sometimes bigger challenges assault the commitment and then bigger efforts need to be taken to repair the rift. We heard of a husband who had alienated his wife to the point where she was not speaking to him. Apologies were not enough. He decided to say every day, “What can I do to make your life better today?”

At first, she would not answer, so he would do something he thought would make her life better. Then she began to ask for things. “Wash the floor in the garage.” “Clean out the basement.” Whatever she asked, he did, until one day she had softened to the point where she asked him, “What can I do to make your life better today?”

But I digress. Washer/dryers. Stacking? Front loading? If you want a life together with someone, get yourselves some appliances!

One Size Does Not Fit All

“Research shows that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than do the men who mention it.”
This little funny showed up on the internet recently, and got a laugh from us, but if you think about the sentiment behind it, there is a lesson to be learned, or as the jester says in Gilbert and Sullivan’s Yeoman of the Guard, “a grain or two of truth among the chaff.”
Nobody likes to have their shortcomings pointed out. And in marriage it is especially hurtful. It’s tricky – because our lives are so intertwined we know things about each other that maybe no one else in the world knows. And so, when we are angry with each other we have more ammunition to hurt than anyone else.
When we were first married we made a pact. Steve would never call me fat, and I would never call him stupid. I wasn’t fat and he wasn’t stupid, but those were the labels that could instantly cause pain.
I had been a chubby child, and Steve had struggled in school, so our vulnerabilities were formed early and even though I was a normal sized adult woman and he had completed college and a master’s degree, the words still stung.
Probably because we sealed that deal before we got into any serious conflicts it worked, so this man, whose wife now does carry a little extra weight, has the grace and wisdom not to mention it.
Whatever the hot button is for you, does your spouse know? And do they know that it is off limits to push that button? You may not know how important it is to be clear with each other because we live in a world where people often guard their fears and inadequacies. And poking fun at one another is a very accepted amusement. We celebrate people with roasts and we publish satirical papers like The Onion.
If poking fun at each other is part of your relationship that is perfectly fine, as long as you know where the line is that you should not cross. Everybody has one, and if it’s crossed it creates feelings of hurt, or worse, betrayal. It’s hard to regain a sense of trust if you have crossed that line.
So what happens if you do violate that trust? Are you doomed to a future with your spouse’s guard always up, ready for another zinger?
No, not if you are willing to apologize and have a “firm purpose of amendment,” as we used to say about sinning. It’s not enough to say you’re sorry. You have to have a plan in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. How are you going to zip your lip if you think you might be about to say something you’ll regret?
1. Ask God’s help. God loves your spouse more than you do, and has promised to help if we only ask. So ask!
2. Say, “I need a time out.” If you take a break chances are you won’t come back with the same feeling of wanting to attack.
3. Think of a vulnerability of your own, and how it would feel to have it thrown up at you. We all have our thing what we don’t want used against us, so engage your sense of fair play.
This year Pope Francis has decreed a year of mercy in our church. His hope is that there will be a “revolution of tenderness” in the church and spreading out from it during this year. How appropriate to have it begin in our homes and in our marriages. Leave the jokes for the office, put the hurtful remarks in a box labeled “do not open,” and let the love that brought you together invade your life. The church’s year of mercy will then become the foundation for your lifelong marriage, built on the tender regard you each have for the other.

Have Mercy

“Research shows that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than do the men who mention it.”

This little funny showed up on the internet recently, and got a laugh from us, but if you think about the sentiment behind it, there is a lesson to be learned, or as the jester says in Gilbert and Sullivan’s Yeoman of the Guard, “a grain or two of truth among the chaff.”
Nobody likes to have their shortcomings pointed out. And in marriage it is especially hurtful. It’s tricky – because our lives are so intertwined we know things about each other that maybe no one else in the world knows. And so, when we are angry with each other we have more ammunition to hurt than anyone else.

When we were first married we made a pact. Steve would never call me fat, and I would never call him stupid. I wasn’t fat and he wasn’t stupid, but those were the labels that could instantly cause pain.

I had been a chubby child, and Steve had struggled in school, so our vulnerabilities were formed early and even though I was a normal sized adult woman and he had completed college and a master’s degree, the words still stung.

Probably because we sealed that deal before we got into any serious conflicts it worked, so this man, whose wife now does carry a little extra weight, has the grace and wisdom not to mention it.
Whatever the hot button is for you, does your spouse know? And do they know that it is off limits to push that button? You may not know how important it is to be clear with each other because we live in a world where people often guard their fears and inadequacies. And poking fun at one another is a very accepted amusement. We celebrate people with roasts and we publish satirical papers like The Onion.

If poking fun at each other is part of your relationship that is perfectly fine, as long as you know where the line is that you should not cross. Everybody has one, and if it’s crossed it creates feelings of hurt, or worse, betrayal. It’s hard to regain a sense of trust if you have crossed that line.
So what happens if you do violate that trust? Are you doomed to a future with your spouse’s guard always up, ready for another zinger?

No, not if you are willing to apologize and have a “firm purpose of amendment,” as we used to say about sinning. It’s not enough to say you’re sorry. You have to have a plan in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. How are you going to zip your lip if you think you might be about to say something you’ll regret?
1. Ask God’s help. God loves your spouse more than you do, and has promised to help if we only ask. So ask!
2. Say, “I need a time out.” If you take a break chances are you won’t come back with the same feeling of wanting to attack.
3. Think of a vulnerability of your own, and how it would feel to have it thrown up at you. We all have our thing what we don’t want used against us, so engage your sense of fair play.
This year Pope Francis has decreed a year of mercy in our church. His hope is that there will be a “revolution of tenderness” in the church and spreading out from it during this year. How appropriate to have it begin in our homes and in our marriages. Leave the jokes for the office, put the hurtful remarks in a box labeled “do not open,” and let the love that brought you together invade your life. The church’s year of mercy will then become the foundation for your lifelong marriage, built on the tender regard you each have for the other.